Posts tagged "choices"

Anonymous said: What are the signs of emotional abuse?


Abusive Expectations - Makes impossible demands, requires constant attention, and constantly criticizes.

Aggressing - Name calling, accusing, blames, threatens or gives orders, and often disguised as a judgmental “I know best” or “helping” attitude.

Constant Chaos - Deliberately starts arguments with you or others. May treat you well in front of others, but changes when you’re alone.

Rejecting - Refusing to acknowledge a person’s value, worth or presence. Communicating that he or she is useless or inferior or devaluing his or her thoughts and feelings.

Denying - Denies personal needs (especially when need is greatest) with the intent of causing hurt or as punishment. Uses silent treatment as punishment. Denies certain events happened or things that were said. Denies your perceptions, memory and sanity by disallowing any viewpoints other than their own which causes self-doubt, confusion, and loss of self-esteem.

Degrading - Any behavior that diminishes the identity, worth or dignity of the person such as: name-calling, mocking, teasing, insulting, ridiculing,

Emotional Blackmail - Uses guilt, compassion, or fear to get what he or she wants.

Terrorizing - Inducing intense fear or terror in a person, by threats or coercion.

Invalidation - Attempts to distort your perception of the world by refusing to acknowledge your personal reality. Says that your emotions and perceptions aren’t real and shouldn’t be trusted.

Isolating - Reducing or restricting freedom and normal contact with others.

Corrupting - Convincing a person to accept and engage in illegal activities.

Exploiting - Using a person for advantage or profit.

Minimizing - A less extreme form of denial that trivializes something you’ve expressed as unimportant or inconsequential.

Unpredictable Responses - Gets angry and upset in a situation that would normally not warrant a response. You walk around on eggshells to avoid any unnecessary drama over innocent comments you make. Drastic mood swings and outbursts.

Gaslighting -A form of psychological abuse involving the manipulation of situations or events that cause a person to be confused or to doubt his perceptions and memories. Gaslighting causes victims to constantly second-guess themselves and wonder if they’re losing their minds.

Love, Salem

aka, reasons I never plan to enter into a co-habitation relationship again within my lifetime. not even a little bit joking, truth.

On Choices

Monday night at my favorite Chinatown dive bar I sat across the table from my best ladyfriend clasping hands as we talked about secrets, choices, and the realities of being alone in this world. Not in the way that we both don’t have plenty of friends who are our families, and love us, but in the way that if we need a familial affiliation for legal or financial reasons or otherwise, that’s not there. As we say, Its Just Us.

I made the choice to work in a field that is dominated by lots of people with great educations but who often come from at least supportive middle–class families. Yes, they’re often also white. Even if our politics are on the same page it doesn’t bridge certain gaps in experience that keep me on the other side looking in, many of which have way more to do with familial structures and luck than anything else. Making the choice, on my part, to do this work isn’t saving any lives, and it doesn’t make me noble to make less money than I would if I had made some different choices. In fact, most of the time it makes me feel like a fucking awful failure* that I was fortunate enough to get a top-tier education but that I don’t make a lot of money or have an advanced degree that is associated with my profession.  I keep that shit to myself (uh aside from right now?) and keep going.  Move forward, and work on what I want to work on, because that’s all I know how to do. You don’t have a choice, you keep going.

So Monday night we sit there, so very much the same, but with a few different choices behind us, and some of the same ones ahead of us. We grew up in the same place in jerz, we’re both brown, she went off to Cornell and I went off to JHU.  She works in finance because she says she made the choice to never be poor again. I made the career choice I did because I guess I wanted to at the time. It had been Just Me for awhile. But back in the day, I was a doctor’s kid, in an immigrant new-money community, I didn’t have poverty to look back on when I made my choice. When her one parent passed away, and we were still in our early 20s, she flew them both to India and paid for the funeral.  And then the subsequent one.  I could never do that. I am in awe of her. Now she’s either going to go to b-school or not, but she’s quitting finance because she hates every waking moment. I’m trying to make my life everything I want it to be.  You don’t have a choice, you keep going.  We can both do anything we want with our lives, and most of the time it’s ok, and then sometimes it will cause a flag or concern.  It came up, because I’ve been a little nervous about my move here in BK and what if a super-sweet place I want asks me for a guarantor, even though I have a full-time job? My mom is dead and I don’t talk to my father, and even if I did, his debt is so huge that his credit wouldn’t help anyone co-sign on anything.  It’s just me in the world, in the eyes of the law and money.  It’s Just Us.

That makes us powerful and entirely free agents, but it can be a little weird.

*In that most anyone from where I’m from would kill to have had the opportunities I’ve had, and would surely have become a doctor, or at least made sure to do something where they could TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN. I am worse than any shiftless American kid, because I know what I could have been, had all the chance to do the ‘right’ path, and I didn’t make that choice. 

unequal parts flailing, failing, yelling, and sitting quietly.

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